Rabbi Rami Shapiro

Do not miss Rami Shapiro's blogs, "Happy Sukkot" (9/19/2013) and "The New Covenant" (10/20/2103) at www.rabbirami.blogspot.com

UNCERTAINTY IS PART OF THE HUMAN CONDITION

"Life is what happens while you are making other plans."

My birthday is on January 10. My brother's is on December 1.

This is why I remember the following experience.

Back when I was a pastor, one of my church members with cancer was dying in the hospital. Her daughter called me on December 1 and requested that I come to the hospital ASAP -- the Oncologist had just told the family that their mother could not last through the day. After standing vigil with the family for some time,

I told the daughter that I needed to leave, and explained that in my experience, it might be some time before death would occur.

Long story short, the daughter called me while I was having my birthday breakfast to inform me that her mother had died...40 days after the doctor's prediction!

My life's companion Janice and I were married in 1972, and decided to start a family in 1974. Instead of getting pregnant, in 1975,she was informed that she had myasthenia gravis, a neuromuscular disorder she has coped with since. Another long story short, she discovered she was pregnant in 1994--22 years later!

Our son Quincy was born that year on November 3--a joy unspeakable. And yet, his life almost ended at age 2, and he was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2009. Uncertainty is now an unavoidable daily companion, but his story is for another time.

UNCERTAINTY IS PART OF THE HUMAN CONDITION.

I have written the above to preface my reaction to a report I just read in the quarterly newsletter of Hospice of Virginia (my last employer) concerning an article entitled "Uncertainty -- The Other Side of Prognosis" from the New England Journal of Medicine (6/27/2013.)

The article was quoted as follows: "In many respects, the primary communication task of clinicians is the management of uncertainty...By normalizing uncertainty and attending to the affective response to living in the face of an uncertain future, we may help our patients and their families enjoy the time they have now."

I love academic jargon!! (For those with Asperger's, that is sarcasm.)

That quote reminds me of an old beer commercial:

"You only go around once in life, so grab all the gusto you can."

As humans, there is only one certainty we all face: some day we will die.

How then do we live? That is a question that only our own spirituality can answer.

(To be continued...)

LET IT BE ?

     I just finished reading a friend's sermon entitled, "Let It Be."  His introduction recounts the story of how Paul McCartney came to write this famous Beatle's song. I had assumed the song's reference to Mother Mary was to the mother of Jesus, but this Mary was Paul's mother. She had appeared to him in a dream during a time in his life when he was very distraught, and had told him, "Let it be." Paul felt she gave him this message: 

     "Be gentle, don't fight things, just try to go with the flow and it will all work out."

     A part of me resonates with this message, yet another part of me resists it. 

     It reminds me of the "Serenity" prayer:

Lord, help me to change what I can; accept what I can't; and give me the wisdom to know the difference.

     Rather than feel serenity when I hear this prayer, I often feel somewhat distressed, as the wisdom to know the difference is exactly what I often don't have.

     My first full-time ministerial assignment in 1971 was to a church that had a racial policy in writing that stated: "No member of the Negroe (sic) race shall be admitted for attendance or membership." I openly opposed that policy and worked to encourage those who wanted to change it. (It was abolished in 1975.) I'm glad I did not just "let it be." 

     Unfortunately, there have been many other occasions when I should have looked at a situation and said "Let it be" but did not...to my chagrin!

     Back in the 80's when I first began working as a professional counselor, I did a lot of research about the various 'schools' of psychotherapy (over 500 back then) and what seemed to work. The concensus was that the relationship between the therapist and the client was the essential therapeutic ingredient. So much for all the theories if that relationship of trust could not be established! 

     At any rate, in my work with clients, I found I was often able to build the relationship, but my difficulty came at a critical tipping point: how long do I "let it be" and continue to listen, nurture and support the client--and when do I confront their faulty thinking and behavior? The answer is far more art (intuitive) than science.

     Actually, this dilemma pervades most issues in our life. As Kenny Rogers sang in The Gambler:

     "You've got to know when to hold'em;

          know when to fold'em;

               know when to walk away,

                    and know when to run."

SELF-NURTURING SPIRITUALITY

"What is self-nurturing spirituality?" Alice D.Domar asks this question and gives the following answer:

It is "One in which our search for meaning and purpose is consciously woven into our daily lives..."

The quote is from her book with Henry Dreher, which is entitled:
SELF NURTURE: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else.

Their concept of self-nurturing spirituality is "one in which we come to terms with our religious backgrounds, ferreting out, as best we can, our own core beliefs about God or spirit." And then, most significantly, they observe that self-nurturing spirituality is "One in which we are, finally, beholden only to ourselves when it comes to our ultimate decisions about faith and how we practice it it." (Quotes from pages 261-262.)

This points to a pivotal difference between religion and spirituality: religion is based upon external and communal authority; spirituality is existential and rooted in one's own experience.

And that is why I like the concept of "Patchwork Quilt Spirituality." I pick and choose what to believe according to what has meaning and substance for me--the "truth" that resonates within me. I know that some systematic theologians and scientifically-minded academic types will object and and protest that we can't cherry-pick what we believe. But in my experience, ultimately we all do...we just don't admit it.

LOVE IS REAL

I came across a note to myself  that back in 2003, I had written the following to a friend whose husband was dying with cancer;

The older I get, the less I understand. But one thing I know:

LOVE IS REAL
                and
OUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER.

I have found a story that echoes the same truth.

After finally beating his grandmother at Monopoly, she used the game to teach her grandson a lesson about life.

At the end of the game, she reminded him that everything he had won and accumulated...all the "cash" and properties...went back in the box at the end of the game.

Whatever we achieve and accumulate in life does not go with us when we die.

The 4th Secret of the One Minute Manager   (by Ken Blanchard and Margret McBride) ends the story with this thought:
"...when life is over, everything goes back in the box. The only thing you get to keep is your soul. That's where you store who you loved and who loved you." (p. 93)

A final thought:  HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS...STILL DIES!

DENOMINATIONAL MINDSETS

I have known for years how much our mindsets shape all of our perceptions.

But the word "mindset"struck me in a new way this morning.

To have a MIND-SET is to actually have your MIND SET...i.e, CLOSED!

Institutions by their very nature foster a certain mindset, are protective of the status quo, and do not nurture innovation. Their "corporate culture" tends to be SET.

Back in the 60's some of us seminarians envisaged multi-media worship services.
It is 2013, and worship services have changed very little, with the exception that many of the larger churches have "big screens"; but they are mainly used to project the words of hymns, scripture verses, and to enlarge the image of the "performers" (singers and the preacher!) ...the same old format with a magnifying glass!

Our society and culture is now changing at warp speed.
And denominations and the old ways of doing church are as obsolete as the pony express.

ZOMBIE DENOMINATIONS

Have you heard of "Zombie churches?"

The writer Carol Howard Merritt had a recent post (6/18/13) in the Christian Century in which she discussed the issue of zombie churches--congregations that are 'dead' but have enough endowment to keep the doors open.

I would submit that, even more than individual churches, it is the denominational structures that are dead.
The fact is that the doctrinal differences between denominations have become far less significant than the ethical and cultural differences within the denominational memberships; for example, the preferred mode of baptism is a far less divisive issue than views about gay marriage.

When we moved back to Virginia in 2003, I decided to avoid the local Baptist churches and attended a small Presbyterian church. There I became active in a small Sunday School class of Baby Boomers. The variety of denominational backgrounds was rich and varied, including one who was a former student for the priesthood. I was particularly intrigued by the open attitude of a former Catholic who said she was still disturbed by the nuns who taught her not to bite down on the "host," lest she cause it to bleed. There was only one in this class who seemed wed to the denominational "line."

Yes, this was a group of Boomers who were "searchers." And it was the discussions in this class that demonstrated to me how meaningless the denominational labels have become.

I believe denominations are dead but don't know it ("zombies") for two main reasons: history and wealth.
Those involved in the denominations are invested in the history and identity of that particular denomination.
And they want to hold onto the use and control of that denomination's assets.

I remained a "Baptist" for so long because I held to the historic principle that each person had the right to interpret their own conscience (which most baptists no longer practice), and I felt my long term history as a Baptist gave me a stronger voice among other Baptists (it did not!)

I have not given up on denominations easily. When we moved to Vermont in 1998, I joined a United Church of Christ ("God is still speaking") congregation, and when we moved to Raleigh in 2010, we joined a Unitarian Universalist (not sure there is a god who can speak) congregation.

I no longer have any desire to participate in any denomination, and I no longer choose to identify with any organized religion, so by default I would be considered a "None."

PS: However, as the great Syracuse University educator Sol Gordon pointed out: "To label is to disable."